More Than Fifty Ways To Get Rid Of Blind Dates >> (and other social catastrophes) >> >> 1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to >give >> the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who >> reaches for it. >> >> 2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the >restaurant, >> and balance them in a tower on your table. >> >> 3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. >> >> 4. Make funny faces at the other patrons, then sneer at their >reactions. >> >> 5. Repeat every third third word you say say. >> >> 6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your >> high school yearbook. >> >> 7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. >> >> 8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. >> >> 9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know >> what they are talking about. >> >> 10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms >> outstretched, and make airplane sounds. >> >> 11. Order a bucket of lard. >> >> 12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in >> fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. >> >> 13. Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female. >> >> 14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. >> >> 15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins >> talking about themselves. >> >> 16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme. >> >> 17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. >> >> 18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their >plate >> than they do. >> >> 19. Drool. >> >> 20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray >> crumbs. >> >> 21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed >in >> front of you. >> >> 22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/ >> hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the >> restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds >you, >> ask him/her, "What in the hell took you so long in the >restroom?!?" >> >> 23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. >> >> 24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their >plates. >> >> 25. Beg your date to tatoo your name on their derriere. Keep >bringing >> the subject up. >> >> 26. Ask your date how much money they have with them. >> >> 27. Order for you date. Order something nasty. >> >> 28. Communicate in mime for the entire evening. >> >> 29. Upon enter the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, >> where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep >your >> back to the wall. Act nervous. >> >> 30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs. >> >> 31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone. >> >> 32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper >> shakers, silverware, floral arrangements...i.e. anything on the >table >> that isn't bolted down. >> >> 33. Hold a debate. Take both sides. >> >> 34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn. >> >> 35. Auction your date off for silverware. >> >> 36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. >> >> 37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings >your >> food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter >for the >> potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another >potato >> for you, have the first one back on the plate. Repeat later in >the >> meal. >> >> 38. Order beef tongue. Make leud comparisons or comments. >> >> 39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on >tape, >> and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around. >> >> 40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. >> >> 41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal. (Or ubber-dubber >language, >> or just nonsence.) >> >> 42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the >> table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the >> chairs. Insist that they just need airing out. >> >> 43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. >> Take one bite. >> >> 44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and >> arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. >> >> 45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking >them >> home for your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot >cheaper >> than actually feeding her. >> >> 46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. >> >> 47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order >>coffee, and >> fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free >> refills. >> >> 48. Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a >> vein, insist that he take a bite of everything in the plate, to >make >> sure that no one poisoned it. >> >> 49. Accuse you date of epsionage. >> >> 50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults. >> >> 51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. >> >> 52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to >pay the >> bill. >> >> 53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow. >> >> 54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along. >> >> 55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill. >> > >