30 More Ways to Confuse Your Roommate


>1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to
>him/her before he/she goes to class.
>
>2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and
>fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten
>minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of
>laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's
>not funny anymore."
>
>3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read
>without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often
>how great the book is.
>
>4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf
>for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out,"
>and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your
>roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
>
>5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday.
>Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a
>shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the
>shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your
>roommate, "I was curious."
>
>6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster
>in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and
>complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate
>suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about
>fire-safety hazards.
>
>7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going
>away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about
>ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man
>to find.
>
>8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell
>him/her something, go to another room and call him/her
>on the phone.
>
>9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of
>water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and
>immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of
>water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of
>dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
>
>10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and
>begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If
>he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
>
>11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it.
>Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How
>nice to see you again."
>
>12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then
>jump around the room. Get another can of beans.
>Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room.
>Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your
>Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
>
>13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then
>wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
>
>14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you
>every morning.
>
>15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up
>melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
>roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in
>bed.
>
>16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey
>them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your
>roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
>
>17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate
>inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo.
>You'll be safe with me."
>
>18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
>bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
>
>19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate
>Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in
>the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the
>paintings.
>
>20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump
>into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards.
>Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're
>not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
>
>21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with
>your face. Explain to your roommate that you have
>established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp.
>Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
>
>22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your
>collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day,
>act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released
>one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and
>run out of the room.
>
>23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
>hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one
>on.
>
>24. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your
>roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down.
>Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
>
>25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and
>subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the
>trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African
>nation.
>
>26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your
>head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me,"
>open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you
>hit your head on something.
>
>27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you
>upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100
>push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care
>of you any more."
>
>28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to
>it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough
>for that sailboat."
>
>29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit
>into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If
>your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
>
>30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like
>you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a
>message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a
>loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.